What to Do When You’re Feeling Marginalized at the Company Holiday Party

By EmployDiversity

Company holiday parties can be great opportunities to bulldoze barriers and make new friends

We’ve all been there. For some, it’s their worst nightmare. Others would rather cut off their pinky finger than attend, while others still would prefer to give a presentation to an audience of a hundred strangers (people’s #1 phobia, apparently). Attending the company holiday party strikes horror into the hearts of most managers and employees. Diverse professionals, in particular, may feel the most awkward on such occasions.

There are, however, some tactics that will help you break the ice with yourself and others. Some of the ideas may even help you develop long-term relationships with coworkers and strangers.

Don’t Limit Your Outlook

We all have narrow frames through which we perceive ourselves and others. The frames are norms from society and family that we bring to bear in every context -- even when we’re alone with our thoughts. Probably the most limiting frames are those we impose on ourselves. We may feel we are not pretty enough or handsome enough or smart enough or accomplished enough.

The feeling of self-imposed isolation is intensified when we are one of the few women in a room of men, or the only Muslim in a gathering of Western Christians, or the only African-American in a room of European-Americans. Sometimes, layers of cultural and racial identity seem to smother us in social occasions like a wet woolen blanket thrown over us. The most effective approach to liberate yourself at the company holiday party is to throw off the cloak of your own self-imposed limitations.

And the best way to do that is to disarm others with questions that steer attention from yourself to them.

Everyone Has a Story

It is a truism that everyone has some personal mythology that makes them unique -- at least, in their own minds. Very few people outside the individual’s family know anything about their personal narrative. Pick out a peer you don’t know well and approach them. Of course, use your intuition to determine if this is someone you would find engaging. Next to attending company holiday parties, some feel getting stuck with an intensely boring individual is the worst experience imaginable. However, you may find you hit the jackpot with Bob the Accountant who is an Antarctic explorer in his spare time and has stories of his narrow escape from the wild Emperor penguins of the Ross Ice Shelf.

Just walk up to Bob, provide a warm smile, and say, “Hi, my name is …” It helps to extend your hand to shake your counterpart’s when they extend theirs. You can then say, “What’s your story?”

Be careful, though. You’ll need an exit strategy in case Bob really is not interesting to talk to, or, worse, he attaches himself to you like the long lost uncle you never thought you had. Another indicator that it’s time to move on is if Bob doesn’t ask anything about you. If confronted with more than a few minutes of mind-numbing minutia or you get an itch to move on, politely excuse yourself: the washroom is a good place to say you need to go to, or that you see a colleague, or that you need to refresh your plate of crudites.

Another clever exit tactic is to call on another isolated soul and introduce them to Bob, then make your escape.

Start Small

It’s tough to break into groups that are already engaged in conversation. They already have a communications dynamic that borders on tribal. More quickly than you can imagine, they may even have secret hand signals, body language, and verbal codes only they understand.

Instead, build your own tribe. Make it diverse, though. A group you maintain too long that reflects your own religious, racial, or even gender becomes a clique. Cliques send signals of exclusivity that run counter to the spirit of the occasion. After all, company holiday parties are great opportunities to break down barriers, not create new ones.

Try not to Indulge in Drink

If party hosts offer alcohol as a beverage, try not to go overboard. Though liquor can be a lubricant in reducing anxiety, it can also release the inhibitors that keep uncivil behavior in check: yours and theirs.

Unfortunately, women and other diverse professionals are often held to a standard that is higher than their peers. Drinking too much alcohol may inhibit your ability to judge when an encounter is inappropriate and how to respond responsibly.

Company holiday parties do not have to be the dreadful occasions they are often made out to be. Instead, they can be opportunities to break down your own internal barriers, meet new and interesting people, and simply have fun.

Cheers!